yes, there is no one perfect. but there are good and bad.
my parents don't have a lot of money.
i'm not rich obviously. or pretty. or has fair skin. or kind. or lovable. or cheerful. or friendly.
i don't have all that kinds of value that is supposed to have at least one by a person. but, i don't.
sometimes i finished all of my pocket money just to buy a few unnecessary cheap things.
sometimes i wore hijab like a kindergarten girl which is messy and ugly.
sometimes my face is tanned by the sun or as rough as a sandpaper.
sometimes i could hate everyone in one day just because i'm in a bad mood.
sometimes i fought with my siblings constantly and had bad thoughts about others.
sometimes i am like a zombie that has no feelings or just lose my soul.
sometimes i ignore everyone just because i feel so or can't really say 'hi' to others easily.
since a little girl, as the eldest sister, i had to do everything on my own including taking care of my younger sisters and brothers. i learnt to be independent. i learnt what to do all by myself. with the occupied time, i have only few friends. i did everything without any help from my parents or even friends. both of my parents were always buy so i had to be the babysitter for two younger sisters and a younger brother. i have an elder brother but sometimes i took care of him too. he is the kind of brother that was being controlled too much and ended up knowing nothing what to do. that's normal, the first two children would always have imbalance parental control from lack of experience.
since a was small, i never asked for anything like dolls, or toys from my parents. i don't know why. i think it's because i don't know how to ask and i don't want to. as it feels like it would be a troublesome for them. i continuously occur until now although it has reduce a little. still, if i want something, i would try to work for it first. i do every chores without being asked and take care of my sisters and brothers just because i want to. there's once when i was form2 i think, my mum had an accident and she had to cement one of her leg so all she can do is sit and lie down. while my brother is at hostel, i have to do everything in the house without anyone's help for a while. just a thirteen or fourteen years old girl. all by myself. i'm not saying that i don't want to do that, but i'm just telling what i felt back then.
now, everything has changes. all my characteristics during childhood has become the opposite when i have grown up now. i fight with my younger sisters almost all the time. i barely do any chores anymore including cooking or cleaning unless i was told to do so or i was in a good mood. i get tired easily and cranky over nuisance things. i have many great friends and some best friends that i could tell anything but still, they're not close enough for me to tell everything. i used to have but nothing lasts forever, right? i have this kind of attitude that is so hard to tell other people about what i feel. everyone including my parents. maybe because i think it would be a burden to them if i tell my problems or maybe they just wouldn't listen. so why bother doing something that is useless?
honestly, i have had a few breakdowns which are quite stupid when i think of it. back when i was in secondary school maybe, due to pressure and tension about something, that i don't remember, i cut myself on the wrist. wait, it was just a scratch to show that i was trying... i repeat, trying to kill myself. hmm, yeah. i did. unable to handle it anymore, that was the only thing that i could think of. i'm not sure i have ever told anyone about this -.-' then, the same thing happened again. well, not cut but swallowed a large amount of panadols =.= please don't laugh whoever is reading this, including me. heh. you don't know how much problems, matters, stuff, burdens and many more in my head. one thing is that i always overthink about almost everything that came across my mind. the second attempt, ehem, happened early this year i think. yes, just recently -.- it was my fallen era maybe. there was no bad result other than stupid headaches that i got and medicines from doctors. damn. one thing i hate is medicine.
the most common thing for me to do and i still do it is crying before i went to sleep. usually i think about that no one is there for me. for real. when i someone else is sad, there was a group of people that cheers them up, gives them advices and also be sad with them. but when i'm sad, i'm just all alone crying myself to sleep for almost every single night. usually i didn't cry just because i don't have a boyfriend anymore, but it's because i don't have someone or anyone like my mom or even a friend to talk to. i'm not complaining or saying that my mum is not good as others, as you know, she is the greatest, of course. she does all the works that not many other women can so the last thing would do to her is increase the burden. for as long as i can remember, i just have to keep it all by myself because no one would ever listen and care either. many of my friends said that i was one of the girls that is so hard to be seen crying in front of others but what they don't know is that i'm the one who cries easily and constantly.
people always said that every single person has their own advantages and disadvantages and i have seen many people with a lot of advantages and one tiny disadvantages and also, there some with a few disadvantages but there are also advantages as much as they are. but me, all i have ever found were disadvantages. even if i had a few advantages, they will be gone after a while. it never lasts.
perfect - simple plan
i just have to give up someday
