thats what happen when u keep all of ur feelings juz by urself. haihh such a stubborn person. even though i do talk to my close friends sometimes about what i felt, that is not all. i have to think about their feelings too, their problems and their lives. they get theirs. so i cannot depends to much to them. yeahh a great disguise, right? i look so strong and happy and anti-problems and HAPPY. -.- yet that is so old story people. i am very good at showing things like that to others. it doesnt mean that its not true, its juz that i was juz showing my happy feelings. ONLY the good ones. i barely or even never show my sadness, tears, tension or anything related to that. not for being hypocrite or pretentious, it is juz to take care of other people feelings. we must consider about our surroundings too no matter what. selfish is so unacceptable.
very rare for me to post anything involves with feelings like this especially sad or depression. that is not what intention to do. but challenges and problems keep coming to me like water and it is not stopping no matter what i try to do. i juz have to bare it alone. alone? why alone? :P haha i dont know. maybe it i juz my feeling but maybe it is true. there is no more people around me that is willing to be with me. maybe? yes or no. i dont even know the answer. my family? of coz they will always be at their place. my 1st beloved and still do especially parents. they are being the best there can be. the feeling for not troubling them anymore has comes deep inside my heart. enough trouble that i have given to them since the day i was born to this earth.
why so serious? sorry guys :) u can ignore this post if u want too. its been ancient since i last updated my blog then appear this moody post. actually im telling u, its not moody, its juz my feelings. the true ones. the one that is my deepest heart. never done this before. why now? there is always the first time for everything enn. juz bare with it dear. besides, trying to improve my english okay. its kinda a long time i did an essay in full english. laziness never left me. even right now many assignments and presentations are waiting beside me. still, i ignore them. juz like i did to some people. the one that i love.
realizing that u lost something very precious but it was too late to gain it back. it hurts. it really hurts. i felt it. i learnt so many things now. i guess thats what happen began to grow up and do many things like entering this world of university. variety of stuff can be found here. and i did. i learn about love and also i learnt about hurt. obviously im still not good enough to handle those feelings. i thought with many things that i knew what at school and home before this, yet it is nothing compare to now. it is much more. :D no pressure to this but its not wrong for me to talk about this kan. once in a blue moon lahh.
unable to show what i really felt about others is one of my biggest weakness. if i love one thing, i didnt show it. i cant. i dont know. i juz cant. what the hell is wrong with that eh. i had been lecture and warn from the beginning to show my feelings so that it will know. still, with my big-headed nothing can really help me to do what is supposed to be done. lastly, the person will feel hurt as they thought that i never did love them. that is so wrong. im sorry. its my fault. i know its too late. that always happen to me where i realized my mistakes too late. then theres nothing else that can be done.
not admitting my mistakes or denying for what i had done is also a very bad attitude. i dont know why am i filled with this behaviour. no wonder not many people that fond of me. haha ^_^ now i know why. see... i only notice the problems that happened only after it had happened after a while. it was like im the one created it and then left it juz like that. hmm +_+ i really wish i could stop doing that. actually its not the people around me. its not their fault. its me. from the begin until now. im so sorry people. i should have not done this to you. im really sorry. regrets filled in my mind now. yeah this appear after i lost almost everything. after it is too late. it is too late jannah. yes too late. :'(
u all shouldnt actually be around me. that is why i am always alone now. especially starting the 2nd sem. for many reasons. i hurt the people that love me. that i love. i make them hate me. juz by my attitude. my behavior. me. juz me. sorry again i said. never even crossed my mind to do that. i love u. n i will always do. no matter what i did or what u did. trust me. :) it came from my heart. no matter who u are. if u read this im sure u will know and understand this okay. with my ego and stubborn, telling and talking face-to-face seems so hard. why? unexplainable. i finally know the true meaning of love. n the feeling of hurt. what i can explain is...
- i love u
- i never meant to hurt u
- no matter what u did, i love u and will always do
- whatever happen from now, i will never lie or hurt u
- forgiveness is far to be held but that is on u
- i finally understand all the thing that u did to me
- i am obsessed with u
- feels awkward when i saw u but im not beside u
- i never appreciate all the things that u did to me
- always n forever be my beloved
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